


5 times Cassian and Jyn shared a bed

by Moonprincess92



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Rogue One, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sharing a Bed, they survived
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-17 03:23:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9302036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonprincess92/pseuds/Moonprincess92
Summary: But then again, you can be quick to envy someone else’s struggles when they appeared easier than yours.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [五次卡西安和琴同床而眠](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10209428) by [walkingegg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkingegg/pseuds/walkingegg)



 1 

    The first two weeks Jyn Erso simply didn’t sleep.

    It was that easy; she instead haunted Yavin base, wandering the endless corridors like the rebellion’s very own personal ghost. It was fitting. There were enough ghosts surrounding her, so she may as well invite them in, let them become a part of her. She would eventually pass out in odd places: inside a crate amongst several blasters, in the middle of the north staircase. Once, she was even found curled up inside the cargo hold of one of the transports. She might’ve ended up in Imperial territory if someone hadn’t found her.

    Cassian seemed to be the only one who was willing to dare approach her. She wasn’t aware of much, but she would hear the other soldiers make the call ( _“Captain? Uhhh … yeah, sorry, but we’ve found Erso again,”_ ) and knew he was the one who would come for her. She was liable to lash out at anyone who dared try and wake her, but the man was nothing but patient and Jyn didn’t know whether she loved or hated him for it. He would wake her as gently as he could, before sliding his arms under her slight weight. She would protest weakly, but the truth of the matter was that her brain was tired, confused and dangerously spiralling, and she would let him take her to the sickbay.

    “You’re going to hurt yourself soon,” he would say gruffly as she dozed half-conscious in his arms.

    But the dark abyss of sleep threatened to swallow her whole every time she tried. Every time she closed her eyes, her ghosts were faithfully there to keep her company. Rogue One would hang over her head, the blaster shots, the explosions, the pain and the exhaustion of the battle. The tears she’d been unable to choke back as she watched her father’s message, her cries as she held his broken body in her arms – all of it would flood her in sleep until she was sure she was slowly being driven insane.

    Cassian kept bringing her to the sickbay, probably because the man just didn’t know what else to do. Somewhere in her mind she recognised this and felt the guilt churning, knew that he was worrying over her, wanted to make it better somehow, but didn’t have the first clue how. She used to be so good at sleeping. She was a thief, a liar, always on the run, always trying to keep her head down and hide; she had to be good at sleeping whenever she got the privilege. Where had that Jyn Erso gone?

    Maybe she really had died on that beach.

    She didn’t recognise any of the parts of herself that were left, after all.

    One time, though, Cassian stayed with her. She realised that she was aware enough to feel his arms around her, knew that he felt strong, felt comfortable, felt _safe_ – and when he tried to put her down on one of the sickbay beds, she clung to him, refused to let go. “Jyn,” He said her name helplessly. It said _I don’t know how to help you_ , and _let me help you_ all at the same time, and she whispered his name in return.

    “Cassian, stay.”

    So he climbed onto the bed, still holding her in his arms. Her fingers had bunched up in his shirt, nose nestled into his neck and she apparently slept for the next ten straight hours.

    She woke exhausted, yet somehow feeling the most refreshed she’d ever felt since she’d been dragged, beaten and broken, off Scarif. She took in the brightness of the sickbay ( _hadn’t she been here enough times already?_ ), the soft beeps of medical equipment and noticed that she was noticing, she was aware of what was happening. She could hear her own thoughts, properly _think_ , and she thought that her sleep-deprived state had stolen a lot more from her than she’d realised.  

    She wasn’t sure she could move. Her limbs felt heavy, stiff, like they would do if you hadn’t moved them for several hours. However, she eventually dragged a hand up to her eyes, dislodging the light blanket that had apparently been draped over her as she rubbed. Her other arm was numb with pins and needles, and that was when she remembered Cassian.

    He was still there, his long legs stretched out alongside hers and a heavy arm resting over her waist. Her face had been resting against his chest and she listened to him breathe slowly, deeply in his sleep. Her heart clenched and her throat closed over when she gathered that he must have stayed with her like she’d asked.

    The battle really had changed them both.

    By the time they had been storming into Scarif together, they had managed to develop a mutual respect that Jyn was certain would never be broken. Maybe stretched, maybe tested, maybe damaged a little, but never torn apart completely. This was the man who had planned to kill her father, but didn’t. The man who could have, should have, forgotten about her on Jedha, left her behind, since she was indispensable ( _but apparently not to him_ ). A man she had yelled at, screamed at, only to be put in her place and realise that if there was anyone she wanted at her side as she died, it was him.

    They had a spark. It only takes a spark to fuel an inferno.

    Slowly, she raised a hand, traced the edges of his face. His eyes were dark, his beard the most unkempt she’d seen so far. She brushed over healing bruises that mottled his cheek and tried to not think of what had happened to the last person who had cared for her this much.

    He stirred and she snatched her hand away quickly. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to face him yet, especially as they were still so closely entwined in this sickbay bed built for one, but he was waking and she wasn’t being given much of a choice. He blinked and yawned in her face.

    “Cassian,” she whispered his name.

    For a moment, he was quiet as they lay there together, his arm around her tightening slightly. “You look much better,” he eventually murmured.

    “So I looked like hell before?”

    “Yes,” he answered rather bluntly. It made her pause, reminded her all over again that this man’s worry over her might just kill him. She didn’t know what to say, how to possibly thank him or explain how she was feeling, so she just said,

    “I’m sorry.”

    “ _I’m sorry –_ Jyn, the last two weeks you’ve scared me half to death,” Cassian buried his nose in her hair. “You don’t know how relieved I was to see you sleeping, properly sleeping. I might have cried.”

    “Might have?”

    He just breathed her in. “What’s it going to take to make you get help?”

    Jyn had her answer before he even asked the question.

    “This.”

* * *

  

2

    The destruction of the Death Star hit them all in some way.

    Jyn had never allowed herself to imagine what it might be like to see it destroyed. She hadn’t let herself believe she would live long enough to see it. But somehow, she was alive, and she was told the news by an excited officer in the main hanger of Yavin base and apparently, the only reaction her body and mind had been able to come up with was to break down into sobs.

     She was certain that Cassian would never let her live it down ( _“Captain Andor! No, don’t worry, she hasn’t fallen asleep again, but I think she just found out about the Death Star, because she’s crying really hard in the main hanger … I don’t know who told her!”_ ) but at least her sobs had turned into disbelieving laughter when he’d found her and hauled her into his arms. She’d hiccupped and giggled through the tears,

    “We did it, _we did it_.”

    The aftermath was a then flurry of disruption. Throughout the medal ceremonies and celebration parties and evacuations, Jyn had hoped that it might all occupy her mind so much that the nightmares would be kept at bay. But eventually, she found herself on one of the first waves of transports, on route to their new base on Hoth, nine hours in and still unable to give in to the tiredness.

    The hold wasn’t entirely comfortable with 200 other soldiers on board. They had to make do with what they had, curling up on the floor and sharing space, the snores and other ambient sounds filling the transport as the soldiers slept the journey away. Jyn had found a spot against the wall, her jacket currently wadded up behind her, but she forced herself to stay awake. She would not scream in front of everyone. She wouldn’t.

    Cassian found her. He dipped his way in next to her with a grace she didn’t quite understand. They were still learning about each other, that was true, and sometimes he would surprise her with something she didn’t expect. Like how he was able to balance on one leg while still shooting at a moving target. Or how he liked to hum under his breath when he was getting dressed in the mornings. Or how he liked hugs, hated caf and got endearingly embarrassed when the medal had been placed around his neck. He rested his head against hers and whispered,

    “I hate the cold.”

    “Good thing you’re going to Hoth, then.”

    His hand reached out, found hers somewhere between their bodies and laced their fingers tight. “My home-planet was practically a frozen waste-land. Snow sounds fun until you’re in it 24/7.”

    “Where are you from?”

    “Fest. You?”

    “A lot of places,” Jyn murmured. So many places, many she didn’t remember. She could recall Lah’mu the best, how she would spend her days playing in the fields, her Mama and Papa always watching, sometimes joining her if they had the time. Sometimes, she thought she remembered an apartment on Coruscant, the bright lights of the city shining through her small bedroom windows, igniting her world with colour. But since the day her parents had been taken away she had been everywhere and nowhere. She had lived as a criminal, on the fringes of society where she couldn’t be seen. Had she ever actually been living?

    She was living now.

    Cassian squeezed her hand. “You can keep talking if you want, but I can see in your eyes you’re exhausted. Go to sleep, Jyn.”

    “You can’t even see my eyes.”

    With their heads resting against each other and neither of them willing to move, she could only guess at his exasperated look. He was starting to know her well enough that he could tell. “You’re safe,” he whispered. “I’m here, and you can sleep …”

    The soft rumble of his voice, his hand in hers, it was enough.

    She was asleep within minutes.

* * *

 

3

    Sometimes, Jyn was jealous of how easy Cassian seemed to have it.

    She had never had someone to sleep next to before, and she struggled. Sometimes she wanted to cry at the difficulty, because this was supposed to make it easier, having him by her side every night. It was supposed to be helping, but all it did was frustrate her. She never quite got the chill of Hoth out of her bones, whereas Cassian felt like a furnace of body heat. She would burrow in close, only to get too hot, then too cold, always uncomfortable, always moving and always accidentally kicking him awake. Wanting to be near, but needing room to move. It was an adjustment, learning how to share this space with another person, and Cassian never seemed bothered, just seemed to have it _so damn easy …_

    “Are we ever going to talk about today?” she found herself asking quietly one evening.

    The routine of getting ready for bed together was new too, new and exciting and terrifying, but there were more important things to address. Upon first disembarking a few months ago, they had found that they’d been assigned to the same room, and Jyn was fairly certain it hadn’t been an accident. The room had been a twin, coming with two single bed frames that they had ended up shoving together. The room wasn’t exactly inviting or personal, but it was their space, somewhere they shared together and that was more intimate than anything else. Jyn watched him from the fresher doorway, the bump under the covers the only sign that Cassian was even there. He didn’t answer her.

    “Cassian.”

    Sighing, Jyn moved to crawl in with him under the cover of darkness. He lay with his back to her and she reached out hesitantly, resting a hand on his hip. He was tense, wired.

    “How many times can a man insist he’s fine until he snaps?” she asked.

    “Is this a riddle?”

    “Do you know the answer?”

    Cassian grunted a little, but reached back and took her hand at his hip, pulling her closer. She wrapped herself around his back, holding onto him like he would hold onto her. Jyn might have felt jealous that Cassian never struggled to sleep like she did, but she was also starting to learn that trauma wasn’t the same from person to person. The man she was wrapped around was tough and strong, but he had gone through the same things she had and was just as shaken. She wished it could be easier, that they could just use this time to get to know the simple things first, rather than having to battle their demons in front of each other like this.

    They survived the battle, but they were still fighting a war.

    “Why haven’t you said anything, Cassian?” she asked, quietly.

    “I thought I was getting better,” he answered, voice short and something hovering just at the edge, like he was determinedly holding back. “I guess I’m not.”

    “Luke’s gonna have a black eye now.”

    “I didn’t hit him that hard.”

    “He was on the floor, Cassian,” Jyn squeezed her eyes shut tight, breathed in against him. “I was watching. He even called your name before touching your arm. He was laughing about it afterwards, but he was a little thrown, I know he was.”

    “I’ll apologise, really.”

    “That’s not what matters,” she said. “I mean, yes, Luke deserves one, but this is about more than you randomly lashing out at pilots when they try to ask you something. The other week when they were testing the alarms … when I accidentally dropped my boot … you’re not ok, Cassian–”

    “ _Fine_ , I get it!” Cassian suddenly cut in over her, bitterly. “I’m messed up! You can’t try and tell me I’ve got PTSD when you–”

    “Cassian,” She almost wanted to laugh. “Not all trauma looks the same.”

    It was easy to get caught up in the idea that everyone’s demons had to fit a certain mould, meet a certain criteria. No, Jyn didn’t react badly to noise, didn’t experience flashbacks and unexplained irritableness like Cassian did, but her night terrors sometimes made her wish she did.

    But then again, you can be quick to envy someone else’s struggles when they appeared easier than yours.

    “Do you remember when you asked me to get help?”

    “Yes.”

    “Now, I’m asking you,” Jyn whispered.

* * *

 

4

    The day they were both finally cleared for duty, they celebrated.

    It was a weight lifted; it was the rebellion saying that they had at least recovered enough, an assurance that they were both slowly climbing out of the hole Scarif had plunged them into. Jyn found herself eager for a chance to prove to the rebellion that this was the life she had chosen. All the way until they were in that citadel tower, Jyn hadn’t been convinced that given the choice, she would choose the cause over her own life. She was built for survival, taught to look out for herself. She didn’t have the mind-set of a soldier. But now, she knew what she would do to see the Empire destroyed, and she was ready to fight.

    But their celebrations were been short-lived. Cassian was an intelligence officer, and she had been assigned where numbers were needed, which meant learning how to fly. They soon were spending days, even weeks at a time apart, and she missed him in those times so much that her entire body ached. She wasn’t sure when their feelings had somehow overtaken them, when they’d swallowed them whole and left behind two shells with one life to share. It had sneaked up on them until it was too late: Jyn had fallen in, head first.

    Sometimes, when they were apart, she would wonder which was the first moment she had managed to see a future. She liked to think it was that moment on the beach, when their eyes had met, when their arms had sought each other and they had prepared to face the end together. She had seen an entire lifetime in his eyes that had felt miles away. Except now that they were here, now that they were trying to endlessly grab at that life, she was starting to think that the moment she truly knew was actually the night the Death Star had been destroyed. They had lain nose to nose in their tiny, cramped bunk, and striped away the layers, the clothes that surrounded them, the worry, the fear, until it was only them and their hearts frantically beating.

    He had consumed her that night and she’d known. This was it. He was it.

    She dreaded the nights when they were apart, but she was slowly learning to sleep on her own again. Talking helped. And she was enjoying working with Luke Skywalker and the other pilots, learning how to navigate and work the x-wings. The younger man had become a good friend, if it was possible for Jyn to ever have friends, and she was learning how to laugh again, how to joke and try not to count down the days so much until Cassian was back.

    She wasn’t expecting him for at least another week, and collapsed warily onto their shoved-together bed, arms splayed out and groaning. She kicked off her boots, letting them fall with thuds to the floor. It had been a long day and she definitely smelled like a sweaty x-wing cockpit, but the pillows were comfy and maybe she could try to nap or something …

    She was suddenly woken an unknown amount of time later by something jolting her. She woke with a start, chest pounding and about two seconds from leaping across the room for her blaster when his voice called out,

    “It’s me! It’s just me–”

    “ _Cassian,_ oh my god–”Jyn launched herself at him. Cassian laughed, falling back onto their bed with her, apparently content to just hold her tight as she recovered from the shock of her life (well, maybe an exaggeration at this point, but still). The ache was gone, replaced by a hunger, and Jyn wanted everything. She wanted his body on hers, and her fingers quickly sought out his hair, dragging his face to hers. Their kiss was long and deep, until Jyn pulled away to say,

    “You scared the living hell out of me!”

    “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were actually sleeping,” Cassian said, gently reaching up and running a hand through her hair.

    “I thought you were going to be gone at least another week.”

    “We got pulled back early,” Cassian explained. “A few on the team fell ill and it wasn’t worth keeping us out there in the end.”

    “Does this mean we have an entire week together?” Jyn could hardly dare believe it, but Cassian was smiling quite possibly one of the best smiles she’d seen since they’d met, and she tried not to let her excitement get the best of her. Luckily, her delighted ( _ridiculous_ ) shriek was muffled by his incredible mouth doing some equally incredible things to her.

* * *

 

 5

     When Hoth was attacked, Cassian wasn’t even on base.

    He had been gone the last several weeks, with limited communication; in deep somewhere that she wasn’t allowed to know about. He had no idea what was happening back here, that they had been discovered, found – that the shouts that were currently ringing through the corridors of the base were about the Star Destroyers ( _“An entire fleet, sector four, apparently!_ ) that they were preparing for an attack. The hanger was a tense cacophony of sound, yells and feet pounding, mechanics preparing, Luke tossing her helmet to her and calling, “C’mon, Jyn, Leia’s already started the briefing!”

    It would be her first real battle as a pilot, dressed in the jumpsuit, wearing the insignia of the Rebel Alliance. Listening to the princess speak, she tried to remind herself that she had fought before, that this was an old battle ground, but this wasn’t going to be the same as Scarif. Scarif had been ride or die. In the end, she was willing to lay down her life for it, but this … this was the first of what was going to be many smaller battles. She wasn’t sacrificing herself for this one.

    She had to see Cassian again.

    In the end, it was hard to tell whether the battle had been a success. All three of their evacuation transports got away safely, but the casualties had been almost too high to justify it. The moment she had touched down at the rendezvous point, a planet so small and insignificant it didn’t even have a name, she was sprinting, demanding to see Mon Mothma. With Echo Base basically destroyed, she had to get in contact with him, she had to make sure Cassian knew not to go back, that they were here, she was right here waiting –

    The call got through. Three days later he found them, and Jyn ran, practically flinging herself into his arms. She ignored the laughs, ignored Luke cheering in the background, just clung to Cassian as if that could prevent him from ever leaving again. “I did it,” she said into his hair. “I survived.”

    “Of course you did,” Cassian swung her around. “You’ll always survive.”

    What with the hasty evacuation, there were no official sleeping quarters yet. Most were still on the transports, hovering above the tiny planet, only it wasn’t much better down on the surface. Cassian and Jyn stole some blankets in the end, making a nest of sorts for themselves behind a rather battered x-wing. Other exhausted pilots were scattered throughout the hanger, though no one questioned or commented on their decision to curl up together. Cassian and Jyn were endgame.

    Everyone knew that by now.

    In the quiet, as their heartbeats finally slowed after their reunion, the adrenaline of escaping, Jyn found herself whispering,

    “I love you.”

    Cassian kissed her forehead, joking as he sleepily muttered, “Now you tell me.”

    “I just realised I’ve never actually said it,” Jyn mentioned.

    “No … no you must’ve …” Cassian yawned.

    “Cassian, I honestly think I haven’t,” She reached up to cup his face, inches from hers as they used his bag as a pillow. “Years, and I’ve never said the words.”

    “Jyn … I’ve always known,” Cassian looked down at her. “I’m still about 90% sure that you must’ve said it at some point, but if you keep insisting, then I swear it’s ok. We’ve always known, always been heading that way. I knew even on Scarif I was going to love you someday.”

    She tries to not remember too much, but time has allowed her the ability to look back and reflect. She could recall the beach, remember how he had told her _your father would have been proud_ and she’d known, too. She was going to love the man in front of her one day, and she did.

    “The Death Star,” Jyn said. “That was when it happened. The first night we spent together, when it was destroyed … that’s when I fell in love with you.”

    “Romantic.”

    She pulled her hand away roughly to thump him on the chest, but she shifted closer still. Their lives weren’t perfect. She knew the rumours were out there, of another Death Star being constructed. They tried not to talk about it much. Instead, they tried to remember all they’d learned; understand the past, but don’t focus on it. Don’t let it consume you. Don’t feel guilty about the occasional nightmare, don’t feel bad when accidental gun fire startles you. No, the war wasn’t over, no they hadn’t completely recovered, no they probably never would be, but they had each other.

    They’d survived Scarif for a reason, and if that reason was to end up here, cuddled up, bruised and sore, on the hard hanger floor of a distant planet with no name and no clue what was going to happen from here … Jyn was ok with that.

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to write fluffy bed sharing... it turned into this because apparently, I like Pain and Suffering???? Ashjsfjfsf  
> I'm so sorry if this contains about a million different ideas and concepts that's already been done, seriously. I'm just a sucker for these two sharing a bed and want MOAR  
> But I hope yall liked it! Thank you so much for reading, fam. xoxo


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